Nintendo doesn't want your dirty cell phone money, nixes mobile mini-game rumors

I had a dream last night. I was sitting on the bus, phone in hand, playing Mobile Mario Bros. I jumped over Goombas, smashed blocks with my head, ate mushrooms, floated around in a Tanooki Suit—it was the best phone game I'd ever played! And then, either because of the aforementioned mushrooms or because this was all a dream, the bus flew off a cliff and we all went plummeting down to the depths and I woke up screaming in terror.

But the point is, Mario on a smartphone? What a great idea!

Dream on

And as with so many great ideas—the Internet, courting third-party developers, naming your console anything that isn't “the Wii”—Nintendo does not care.

Mario Bros http://cemkavcar.com

Don't expect this on your phone anytime soon. At least not legally.

Earlier this week, Japanese newspaper Nikkei reported that Nintendo would soon bring content to smartphones—mini-games that served as demos for full-fledged Wii titles, at the very least. Perhaps, if we were really lucky, something in the vein of WarioWare, in which Nintendo's best and brightest took full advantage of mobile hardware to create something amazing that stood apart from the endless stream of runners and match threes flooding the mobile market.

But we weren't lucky. Those mobile games aren't coming.

“We can confirm that there are no plans to offer mini-games on smartphone devices,” Nintendo said in a statement to Engadget on Tuesday.

No Mario. No Zelda. No Samus. Not even a weird side-scrolling shooter starring that lovable rogue Birdo. In the eternal words of a crazed chocolate factory owner, “You get nothing. You lose. Good day, sir!”

A Nintendo fan scorned

Nintendo still might land on smartphones and tablets to try and compensate for the public's massive indifference towards the Wii U, even if games are off the table. Nikkei listed other potential mobile options for Nintendo, including apps with such thrilling content as “finding out what games Nintendo will sell you on your other Nintendo hardware” and “telling background stories about characters through video content.”

Since I can already watch The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! on my phone through Netflix, I'm not sure I need any more video content from Nintendo.

Ugh. This is garbage.

Is anybody ready for more of this?

And considering that Nintendo games come out at a rate of about one every “I can't believe I bought this stupid Wii U,” I think I can keep track of release dates on the Internet fairly easily. In fact, I'm so desperate for a game to play on this hardware I'm pretty sure I know Nintendo's release schedule for the next five years. It's inscribed on my heart.

Oh well. If Nintendo has any mobile plans up its sleeve,we'll probably hear about them when Nintendo CEO Satoru Iwata delivers the company's Q3 financial results later this week. If it's not games, though, I'm not sure I care.

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