Apple's 09/09/09 Event: A Crowdsourced Guide

A wild-haired woman arches her back, raising her arms and gently lifting one leg into the air. Her heels, still on, serve as a stark contrast to her carefree and ecstatic expression. You can't see her eyes, but you'd imagine they're closed, the moment in time clearly transporting her beyond any earthly state.

Hey, get your mind out of the gutter -- we're talking about Apple's invitation to its upcoming September 9 event. The cryptic 9/9/09 invites went out to media outlets on Monday, unleashing a flurry of fresh speculation about what might be in store.

The truth, of course, is that no one really knows what's on tap for Apple's hotly anticipated event -- at least, no one who's going to share their knowledge with regular schmoes like you and me. But that doesn't stop everyone and his mother from speculating until their tongues turn blue.

Rather than throw more unsubstantiated-yet-oddly-confident-sounding predictions into the pool, I thought I'd put together a quick crowdsourced guide to the Apple 9/9/09 event. All the theories come from blogs, news sites, and Apple-related forums. Some were stated earnestly, while others were a bit more tentative or even tongue-in-cheek. Still, put together, this info's about as official as it gets.

Apple 9/9/09: Steve Jobs and iPods

Apple will hold an invitation-only event on September 9 in San Francisco. (That much is actually true. Nothing else, though, necessarily is.) At the event, Steve Jobs himself will definitely appear, unless he definitely won't. He might also appear in an elaborate disguise.

The event will focus on the iPod line, with Apple adding video camera functionality to the iPod Touch and still camera functionality to the iPod Nano. The iTunes software will also get some new features, including integrated social networking. That'll most likely involve Facebook, unless it won't. Either way, investors won't be impressed (unless they will).

The iPod classic will get an embedded camera of its own, but this'll be its last hurrah before it's phased out. Then again, it may be phased out next week.

Oh, and the new iPods will kill the Flip.

Apple 9/9/09: The Apple Tablet

That Apple tablet everyone loves talking about won't appear at the September event; rather, it'll be announced separately early next year. Unless it is announced at the September event, which is almost a certainty. There's a good chance it'll run Windows 95, too.

There might also be a nontablet tablet announced -- an iPod Touch with a bigger screen designed to tease us until the real tablet is uncloaked.

Apple 9/9/09: The Beatles

The remastered Beatles catalog will finally go on-sale on iTunes; the remastered Beatles catalog will not go on-sale on iTunes. The surviving Beatles will show up and perform; Hootie and the Blowfish will show up and perform.

Apple 9/9/09: Everything Else

Apple will introduce a new iMac with lowered prices and faster processors. Apple will set the date for MMS availability on AT&T. Apple will announce it's buying the L.A. Galaxy soccer team, and -- last but not least -- Apple will bring a bunch of hot chicks out on-stage.

Here's hoping, if nothing else, that last one proves true.

JR Raphael cooks delicious satirical dinners at eSarcasm, his new geek humor site. You can keep up with him on Twitter: @jr_raphael.

For comprehensive coverage of the Android ecosystem, visit Greenbot.com.

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