18 Reasons Steve Jobs Won't Deliver Any More Macworld Keynotes

Photograph: Courtesy of Apple
As you probably know, Steve Jobs has apparently delivered his last Macworld Expo keynote speech. On the scale of highly anticipated events, Jobs' keynotes clearly beat Outbreak of World Peace and are closing in on a Beatles Reunion Tour (especially now that the band would consist of Paul, Ringo and Pete Best). So the anguished cry here at PC World's offices is "Why?" (Though, in fairness, we're probably not quite as anguished as our corporate cousins at IDG Expo, who produce the Macworld show.) Here are our attempts at an answer to the question of the day: Why did Steve abandon us?

1. He couldn't decide what to wear.

2. Apple's Fairplay DRM restricts how many times he can appear publicly.

3. Heard rumor that angry journalists were preparing to throw shoes at him during keynote.

4. He will be there, just in Steve Jobs Nano version, which is too small to see or hear.

5. Steve finally realized that John Mayer's smooth vocal stylings make people's ears bleed.

6. Concerns that Steve's latest catchphrase, "That's Fierce" from Project Runway, didn't have the traction of "un-bel-eiv-able," "mere mortals" and "Pretty cool, huh?"

7. It's all AT&T's fault.

8. Barack Obama recruited Steve to run Chrysler.

9. Steve's agent advised him not to let himself be typecast as "That Apple Guy."

10. "The Collective has been compromised; all available resources have been redirected to combat the incursion."

11. The show was just "a bag of hurt."

12. He heard Bart Simpson was going to be there.

13. Apple wanted to cash in on this "Jobs-cutting" trend.

14. He was already double-booked at the NeXT PC Expo.

15. He's putting all his efforts into voicing Woody in "Toy Story 4."

16. Due to an ill-conceived Apple patent-infringement lawsuit (Jobs v. Jobs, 2007), Steve Jobs is not allowed within 100 yards of Steve Jobs and must spend the rest of eternity in a reality distortion field.

17. It's part of a slew of Apple "improvements" that also include canceling Christmas.

18. He's trying out for a position as the new Fake Steve Jobs.

Got your own theories? Post them in the comments below.

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